Why trust, not control, unlocks real change

Over the past year my role has been shifting. For a long time, I was close to the work. I ran forums, shaped decisions, and made sure things moved forward. If something felt unclear, I stepped in. If momentum slowed, I found ways to push it along. Being close gave me a sense of certainty. I could see where things were heading, and I could put my hand on the wheel whenever I thought it was needed.

Now more and more of that ownership sits with my team. They run the forums. They shape the topics. They make the calls. My role is changing from directing to enabling.

It is not frightening, but it is uncomfortable. There are moments when I feel the pull to step back in. I still want to add my voice, to make sure things go right, to protect the quality of the outcome. That instinct is natural. Most of us feel it when the stakes are high. Control feels like safety, especially when the future is uncertain. But I have learned that if I step back in too often, I take something important away.

I take ownership from the people who need it most. I take away their chance to grow. I take away their chance to learn how to lead.

The pull of control

Every leader I know has felt this pull. It comes from a good place. We care about the work and we want the best for the people around us. We also feel the weight of responsibility. If something fails, it is on us. So we lean in. We add our perspective. We make one more decision, add one more correction, call for one more meeting.

The problem is that control is addictive. The more we hold on, the harder it becomes to let go. And in times of change, holding on too tightly can choke the energy we need most. Teams learn to wait. They hesitate before moving because they know the real decision is still in our hands. Innovation slows because no one wants to take a risk without our approval. Eventually, people stop acting like owners and start acting like passengers.

That is not leadership. It is maintenance.

Trust as a practice

Letting go does not mean disappearing. It means shifting. My role now is to create the conditions where my team can succeed without me being in the middle of every conversation. It means asking myself where I can still add value without taking value away from them.

That shift is about trust. Not blind trust, but deliberate trust. The trust to believe in my team’s ability to carry the work. The trust to let them shape decisions, even when I might have done it differently. The trust to know that mistakes are not failures but part of learning.

Trust shows up in small moments. In choosing not to speak first in a meeting. In handing a difficult decision to someone who has not made one at that level before. In allowing silence to stretch long enough for someone else to step in with an idea. These are not dramatic acts, but they are the practices that build confidence, both in the team and in myself as a leader.

A personal moment of letting go

I remember a recent forum where the topic was something I cared deeply about. In the past I would have shaped the agenda and guided the conversation. This time, I held back. I watched as two of my team members took it in a direction I had not expected. At first I felt tension. I wanted to step in and redirect. But I stayed quiet. I let them work it through.

What happened surprised me. They landed on an outcome that was better than the one I had imagined. It was not just about the decision itself, but about the confidence they gained in owning it. Walking out of that meeting, I realized that my silence had been more valuable than my voice.

Moments like that remind me that trust is not about absence. It is about presence of a different kind. Presence that supports and enables rather than directs.

Why trust is hard

Trust is easy to name but difficult to practice. It goes against many of the habits that have made us successful. Early in my career, I was rewarded for being decisive, for stepping in quickly, for solving problems. Those instincts are still with me. They are part of who I am. But leadership in change asks something different. It asks us to notice those instincts and challenge them.

It also challenges our sense of identity. When I step back, I sometimes wonder: am I still adding value? Am I doing enough? These are real questions. They force me to redefine what my role means. My value is no longer measured by the number of decisions I make, but by the quality of the space I create for others to decide.

That is not always easy. It requires patience, vulnerability, and belief. It means accepting that things will not always go the way I imagined, but that they might end up somewhere better.

Trust and discomfort

Trust is closely tied to discomfort. It is uncomfortable to watch someone else handle a situation you could easily step into. It is uncomfortable to wait for an answer that you think you already know. It is uncomfortable to let go of control when you feel responsible for the outcome.

And yet, this discomfort is exactly what allows growth. My team cannot develop confidence if I never let them feel the weight of ownership. They cannot build resilience if I step in at the first sign of struggle. They cannot stretch their leadership if I keep the most important decisions for myself.

Leading through trust is not about avoiding discomfort. It is about carrying it long enough for others to find their own way through.

Practices that help build trust

Here are a few practices that help me lean into trust instead of control:

• Hold back your first answer. Give the team space to explore their ideas before you weigh in.
• Name the ownership. Make it clear who leads the decision, and then stay consistent in giving them that responsibility.
• Allow for mistakes. Frame missteps as part of learning, not as failures that set people back.
• Stay available, not directive. Be present for questions, but resist the urge to steer unless it is truly necessary.
• Share the why. Let people understand the purpose and guardrails, then let them shape the how.

These practices seem small, but over time they shift the culture. They build a team that acts with confidence instead of hesitation.

Reflection for leaders

• Where am I holding onto control that my team could carry instead?
• Do I trust them enough to shape part of the path without me?
• What decision this week could I deliberately hand over?
• Am I showing comfort with not knowing, or am I filling silence with control?

The payoff

Control can make change look clean, but it often makes it fragile. Trust makes it resilient. When leaders practice trust, teams stop waiting for permission and start owning the work themselves.

And as leaders, we find new ways to contribute. We discover that our role is not to be at the center of every conversation, but to create the conditions where others can step in with energy and confidence. We learn that real impact comes not from how tightly we hold on, but from how thoughtfully we let go.

That is why trust, not control, unlocks real change.